Apparently Millennials are Killing Cereal Now -- and Feminists are to Blame

The millennial murder machine has struck again, this time destroying what is perhaps the very foundation of our civil society: cereal. In 2000, this beacon of pure capital joy was worth $13.9 billion in sales. But now, cereal has lost nearly $4 billion of that value.

Now, of course, millennials are to blame. Millennials ruin everything. But, in this case specifically… how exactly are they killing cereal? With their women. (I shit you not.)

While young people in general tend to not eat breakfast, women specifically are killing cereal because they’re not popping out enough babies to feed cereal to. Scott Mnushkin, an analyst from Wolf Research, says that according to his cereal post-mortem:

Millennial women indicated that they do not desire children at all and at the same time, the government data shows a clear shift in births toward women in their 30's from women in their 20's -- this suggests that even if a woman desires to have a child, the increasing age of first birth could depress total births per woman.

And it’s true. According to the Pew Research Center nearly half of college educated women wait to have their first child until their thirties. That’s because “working mothers are much more likely than working fathers to say that family obligations interrupted their own career advancement.” And less children means fewer mouths to feed cereal to.

But beyond that, millennials aren’t even feeding themselves cereal. Mark Fritz from Benzinga, a business and finance news outlet, says that millennials don’t have time for breakfast because they are either too “on-the-go — or just lazy.” (Yes, millennials, you are both too lazy and too busy. Fuck you.) Career driven young people, who, by the way, are clocking in an extra seven and a half hours per week in over-time, just have less time to eating breakfast.

And as stupid cereal killing young people are becoming more health-concious about what they choose to put in their bodies, big-cereal is trying hard to catch up by getting rid of artificial flavors and colors. Brands like General Mills are also trying to increase the amount of cereal they sell online, because they’ve heard that the internet is super dope with the kids.

So millennials, before you instagram that goddamn avocado toast, or accept that dream job, try to be less of a narcissist and think about who you’re really hurting. The future of cereal depends on you.

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Haley Snyder

A graduate of the New School's Eugene Lang College of the Liberal Arts, and the founder of Millennial Trash. [she/her]

#cereal #millennial #murder #PewResearchCenter